First Will and Testament

I recently had to name a next of kin for pension information, as having started a new job it was necessary to begin some level of planning for the future, and part of that involved thinking ahead to my inevitable death. For some people this is quite difficult and perhaps even discomforting. Personally I prefer not to think too hard about the end of my life. As an all-encompassing atheist (no God, no reincarnation, no becoming one with the universe) all I have to look forward to is ashes to ashes.

But at the same time I know what I want from my death. Some might think it slightly morbid or pessimistic a 24 year-old in a prime state of health, give or take a few too many bacon sandwiches and an injury-hit torso, to be thinking about but I consider it realistic. As people get older it becomes statistically more likely that they will need a will and instructions for their disposal, that’s because they’re closer to the degradation and cell death which leads to an eventual terminal decline. But even as a young person I am far from immune. The risks associated with living are high, from the errant hockey ball to the bad trip and fall, the mugging gone wrong to the clichéd bus. No-one anticipates the surprise death. That’s why it’s a surprise.

Given that we can at any time just fall down dead it makes sense to have thought about what happens if it happens. I know I’m not the only one, I’ve spoken to other people my age who’ve had similar thoughts. What unites us is an organised mind, and that one day it will happen. What concerns me is that aside from over-dinner conversation (I am that depressing a meal companion) I’ve never stated to those who might need to decipher after an untimely death what my wishes are. So I’d like this to be considered a guide for those that survive me.

First, burn me. Preferably in some kind of Viking funeral, low boat kindled and put to flame before pushed into the misty millpond surface of a wide lake. I’m ancestrally a bit Danish so I think I can get away without it appearing affected. But if firing up a ship should prove impossible, and health & safety law being what it is I wouldn’t be surprised, a standard cremation would do.

I don’t need anything fancy, I just don’t need to be buried. I don’t feel the need to have a little plot of my own for eternity. I think that’s partly because I’m following the example of my parents, neither of whom want to be interred, and because of the atheism. Being buried generally, unless you follow the household pet amidst-the-tulips method, involves graveyards in the shadow of churches and that’s not for me. I wouldn’t actively recoil from the setting as a Dawkins or a Hitchens might, but it would be false for me to take the trappings of religion in death when I’ve never followed it in life.

There are other options for disposal of remains, but natural burial is a little hippie for me and the more scientific options sound a little devoid of feeling for those preceding me. So cremation. As to where I’m scattered my current favourite would be my home cricket ground. It’s an immensely pretty place on top of a hill in the middle of nowhere, a wide open field surrounded on several sides by light woods and blissful silence. I’ve spent a number of happy days in sunshine there and I’d be satisfied to contribute to the soil on my favoured leg side. No last words, no big spectacle, just thrown into cow corner where I’ve mechanically dragged so many balls to over the years.

It’s in the cremation ceremony, where I have specific requirements. Just as in life, I intend to be a music snob to the end and it is important to me that I go out with tunes that befit the occasion and mystify everyone in ear shot. Although I have a desire to avoid a religious ceremony the hymns and associated music that go with it do lend the right atmosphere, solemn dignified and thoughtful. So the songs I’d like played reflect that but also my tastes and tracks that I play regularly. I don’t see the point in selecting something just because it fits, it should be something that had a direct meaning and regular plays.

So accordingly one of the songs, and it would be the one I’d like to close with,  would be ‘Ára bátur’ by Sigur Ros. The band are one of my favourites but the song also evokes a choral feel that would work well at a funeral. And it shares something with my second choice, ‘Gathering Storm’ by Godspeed You! Black Emperor. I’ve always felt this track, which keeps to the apocalyptic emphasis of the band, is a doom-laden reverb-heavy cover of Amazing Grace and so would add a traditional theme to proceedings while staying true to my character. It is heavier than Ára bátur but is almost as lengthy, coming in at six minutes* with the Sigur Ros song being just shy of nine minutes. And let it be in no doubt that I want them played in full. I want all who attend my send off to be given a proper time to grieve for me. And given fifteen minutes of Icelandic wailing and screeching violins I think loved ones will have gone through a full range of grieving and probably will have recovered significantly to resent me for having inflicted such a trial on them. It’s how I’d like to be remembered.

*Even this is cutting it down. The full track is eleven minutes long, but the part I’m especially fond of is only a segment of it. You’re welcome future funeral attendees.

The third song I’d like played will be a welcome relief as it is only two and a half minutes and features lyrics. In English. ‘Naked as We Came’ by Iron and Wine is about love and loss and is a beautifully delicate track from the Americana folk of Sam Beam. While it hasn’t got the ceremonial sounds of the other songs, the lyrics are just perfect for adding the celebratory element, the reminder that as painful as it is, death is the natural fulfilment of life and the equalising element to birth. Naked as We Came.